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Pizza Lab #3: Disco Fries Pizza
Pizza Lab is a fun theoretical column in which Meg A. and Erik S. explore their innermost passion for baking and eating pizzas. It exists purely for the sake of experimenting in the kitchen. It may not necessarily be cost-effective everytime, so don’t try this at home kids.
Meg A. and I are no strangers to the grotesque. Admittedly, some of our couples habits/mannerisms would probably disgust other people, so we’d like to think we’re well versed in the art of gross. One of the best and worst parts about being an adult is that you get a little more open minded though, when it comes to things which should be, and likely are awful. As you get older, certain things which sound repulsive in theory actually tend to be not bad when you give them a shot. Like portobello mushrooms, or alcohol, or going down on a human female. A few years ago at a diner, I was introduced to something which not only sounded disgusting, but even looked disgusting upon its being served. Of course, I speak of the underground delicacy, ‘disco fries’. Simply put, similar to the Canadian dish of ‘poutine’ disco fries are french fries served with melted cheese and gravy on top of them. Fortunately, one bite was enough to confirm that they were indeed delicious. Since then, I’ve been a devout fan of this heavenly meal. With the dawn of Pizza Lab, I knew that this was going to be something that would HAVE to take place.
Disco Fries Pizza
Erik S. So I was really excited for this pizza from the moment I came up with the idea. I really love Disco Fries. You’ve never actually had them though, right?
Meg A. I’ve never had disco fries, so this was really your thing. I just went with it.
Erik S. Admittedly I feel sorta bad that your first experience with them was a negative one.
Meg A. It wasn’t negative… it was…neutral.
Erik S. Well by comparison, it was negative. Like how if the first time you watched Jurassic Park it was on a 12″ television, or with a small child screaming in your ear.
Pizza Lab #2: Souvlaki Gyro Pizza
Pizza Lab is a fun theoretical column in which Meg A. and Erik S. explore their innermost passion for baking and eating pizzas. It exists purely for the sake of experimenting in the kitchen. It may not necessarily be cost-effective everytime, so don’t try this at home kids.
So it’s looking like Pizza Lab managed to snag a second edition after all. Considering the effort that went into the original, we weren’t sure if we’d be up to a second one. Nonetheless, the first one received a decent number of views, which goes to show you apparently if you post something pizza-related on the internet, it will receive attention. That, and also come on, it’s friggin pizza. We couldn’t let ourselves be too lazy to make pizza together! Oh but where was I, this edition we made a pizza based on the idea of gyros.
Souvlaki Gyro Pizza
Gyros are a delicious, albeit misnomered, staple of Greek-American cuisine. Meats and vegetables served in a pita wrap and slathered in one of the most ironically delicious sauces on the planet, considering tzatziki’s appearance. Authentic gyro in Greece doesn’t necessarily need to be served in a wrap, since it actually refers to the style of broiling an enormous block of meat on a long, narrow tube-like cooker called a spit (cue penis jokes). The meat, usually lamb or chicken, is shaved off into slices, and basically tastes like something that should gross you out but is somehow delightful. In America, where the gyro pita has become synonymous with Greek restaurants and diners everywhere, we simply refer to anything involving a pita rolled up as a gyro. It’s not technically correct, but who the fuck cares, no one’s capable of arguing when they have a mouthful of sweet, sweet spit-meat (again, penis jokes). Souvlaki on the other hand refers to any meat seasoned with lemon and Greek spices, then skewered and grilled. But whatever, this is getting too in-depth and technical for something that appears side-by-side pictures of video games and half-nude anime girls. You all know what a gyro is.
Erik S. So we actually were talking about this idea for a while right?
Meg A. Yeah. I think the day you had that really crappy gyro the idea of a gyro pizza came up.
Erik S. Oh right, you mean the pile of onions which may or may not have contained traces of chicken and pita.
Meg A. Yes, that.
Erik S. Following this, we began craving gyros like a couple of manic, pregnant, Greek women, only without the excess body hair and fetus.
Meg A. Well… without the fetus at least, haha.
Erik S. Uh… yyyeah.
Pizza Lab #1: Honey Mustard Chicken Finger
So what is Pizza Lab you ask? It’s exactly what it sounds like. Meg A. and myself don some labcoats, lock ourselves in a laboratory with pizza ingredients, and go balls to the wall until something amazing happens. Well, at least that’s how it goes down in my head. More realistically, it was the result of us wanting to make pizzas together, never having done so. So we devised the idea of Pizza Lab, a column in which we brainstorm the most random pizza abominations which, as far as we know, don’t really exist in the mainstream pizza industry. The results are recorded (with an expensive, enormous camera) and then discussed here. Essentially we just remark on whether it was edible or not, and if it’s worth actually making again. Without further ado then…
Honey Mustard Chicken Finger Pizza
This is exactly what it sounds like. Any diner, food franchise, bowling alley, family restaurant, snack truck, rest stop, and planet in the freaking solar system serves chicken fingers, and you love them. Even you too, vegetarians. Deep-fried, battered chicken tenderloins, served with ketchup and/or honey mustard. In this case, sliced and thrown onto a pizza with the aforementioned honey dijon in place of tomato sauce. The combination of salty chicken and tangy mustard results in a pizza that’s almost sweet enough to be served at dessert. On second thought, it’s better than dessert. If someone told me I could only have a slice of red velvet cake, or this pizza, I’d take the pizza (not withstanding that I could simply break their shins and take both).
The Poor Couple's Food Guide 