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Food 102: How To Drink Whiskey Like An Adult

Food 102 is a satirical column on PCFG. Do not attempt any of the below directions, as they are not meant to be taken seriously. Doing so may result in low-quality food or possible injury. Do not try at home; you’re gonna have a bad time.

Whiskey is without a doubt the manliest of drinks. It is made from the oak-casket-aged tears of miners and cowboys, and is capable of temporarily morphing human females into males for a short time. You typically see it as an ingredient in mixed drinks since most people are too intimidated to have it straight, save for grizzled folk singers and the Irish. However, if you are willing to give it a go, this timeless spirit of a drink can be well worth your time, should you survive its ingestion.

Many foolish college students and pop singers attempt to drink whiskey irresponsibly, thinking that they are immune to its dangerous qualities. Do not believe false claims from false idols like Ke$ha. If you have never clenched a fist in a mixture of sadness, anger, and disappointment in response to a life-altering tragedy, whiskey will poison you and make you revert to a fetal state. Thus, this brings us to the major question: as a grown-ass adult, how do I drink whiskey properly? The answer may surprise you!

As with most drinks, to initiate the drinking process, you’ll need to begin with a glass.

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Cheat Codes: Make Sticky Rice Easy, Using A Rice Cooker

Sticky rice goes by a few names, since it has a few different varieties with minuscule differences. Sweet rice, sticky rice, glutinous rice, etc… They all have similar food applications, and have odd cooking requirements that can make them a chore to bother with, when you can slap together a bowl of plain ol’ white rice in like 20 minutes. Fear not! For all you out there who own a rice cooker, there’s hope!

Sticky, sticky, hope.

Sticky, sticky, hope.

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Food 102: How To Boil Water

Let’s talk water. Water is the greatest sustainable resource on planet Earth. It’s everywhere. I’m water, you’re water, everything is water. 98% of our planet is made of water, and every single tree, animal, mushroom, and rock need it to sustain life. Studies show that drinking a cup of water per day can reduce your risk of sexually transmitted diseases by as high as 85%! So yes, water is, as they say, “bitchin”. But there’s only so much we can do with plain old, standing water. Did you know that you can turn water into a gas as well? It’s true. This process of water being converted from liquid to gas is a simple term known as “magic”. It may seem intimidating at first, but you can practice this mysterious water magic at home using common kitchen supplies and sheer willpower. Shall we begin?

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The Snack Report: Cookies & Cream Pocky

I’m gonna let everyone in on a little secret here. I spent a large chunk of my childhood and early teens as a total weeaboo. You know, those dopey, white kids that obsess over everything Japanese because it’s the number one source of anime and video games in their narrow, youthful scope of the world. Fortunately I outgrew that archetype, and as an adult I have a modest appreciation for Asian culture in a more subtle, grown-up way. That said, I do have a soft spot for wacky Japanese stuff and when Meg and I hit up Asian markets once in a while to get  groceries, we do end up with our fair share of zany foods and snacks. See: everyone’s favorite stick-based snake, Pocky.

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Plus come on, everyone likes Pocky, right?

 

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Christmastime Favorite: How To Make Wassail Pt. 2 – Recipe

We covered some of the history of spiced Christmas cider, known as wassail, in Part 1 of this article. Read up if you missed it, or read on for our recipe!

As some of you may know, PCFG will be providing free wassail at the Patchogue Village Wassailing Crawl this Saturday! If you live on Long Island and will be in the area, stop by and partake in some merriment as Long Island History and Pub continues a Christmas tradition that’s all but lost in the U.S. in modern times. You may learn a thing or two, and at very least it’ll help get into the Christmas spirit despite the surprisingly mild (and pleasant) season we’ve been having so far!

If you can’t make it, well there’s always the option of making it at home. Bear in mind, we will update this post at a later date with photos from the wassailing walk we’re attending on Saturday!

 

 

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