Category Archives: Food 101
Food 102 is a satirical column on PCFG. Do not attempt any of the below directions, as they are not meant to be taken seriously. Doing so may result in low-quality food or possible injury. Do not try at home; you’re gonna have a bad time.
Whiskey is without a doubt the manliest of drinks. It is made from the oak-casket-aged tears of miners and cowboys, and is capable of temporarily morphing human females into males for a short time. You typically see it as an ingredient in mixed drinks since most people are too intimidated to have it straight, save for grizzled folk singers and the Irish. However, if you are willing to give it a go, this timeless spirit of a drink can be well worth your time, should you survive its ingestion.
Many foolish college students and pop singers attempt to drink whiskey irresponsibly, thinking that they are immune to its dangerous qualities. Do not believe false claims from false idols like Ke$ha. If you have never clenched a fist in a mixture of sadness, anger, and disappointment in response to a life-altering tragedy, whiskey will poison you and make you revert to a fetal state. Thus, this brings us to the major question: as a grown-ass adult, how do I drink whiskey properly? The answer may surprise you!
As with most drinks, to initiate the drinking process, you’ll need to begin with a glass.
So, a common theme you see here on PCFG is that a lot of so-called “fancy” foods, aren’t actually all that fancy when you dissect them and figure out just what the hell they are. Paprika is a big, big offender of that notion, since it seems like half the population of Earth has heard of it, but doesn’t really know what it is. It’s just some sort of mysterious, fancy-pants seasoning that they sprinkle on your dish at the end of cooking, and it probably costs a billion dollars. Fortunately, most of that is false (though it is frequently sprinkled onto plates as a garnish).
Origin: South America
Appearance: Fine, red powder
Scent: Peppery, fruity, earthy
Taste: Dark, sweet, pungent
Foods: Hungarian, Italian, Spanish, Latino
I created a monster. I turned Erik into a tostones monster. My first experience with plantains was tostones. I saw Alton Brown make them on Good Eats and was intrigued, so I made them. Erik’s first experience with plantains was them just cooked and in a sauce as a side dish at a Colombian restaurant. He couldn’t understand how I liked plantains so much (since not-fried plantains, while not bad, are definitely not as good as their fried brethren). So I told him about how amazing fried plantains are and that I would make them for him sometime so he could see for himself. I think he may still have been a bit skeptical. But boy did his mind change after he had them. Now we cannot go to a grocery store without Erik sneaking some plantains into our cart to make with dinner. As I said, I’ve created a monster.
I’ve talked about plantains before in a review of plantain chips. As I mentioned in that post, fried plantains are pretty much the best French fry you’ll ever have. Because they’re so starchy, when you smush them and fry them they almost become self-battering. It can be hard to believe that they haven’t been dipped in something other than water. They’re crunchy, starchy, and salty in all the best ways. You’re definitely going to want to give these a try.
Everyone likes chicken. That’s a fact of life. Even vegetarians like chicken, they’re just morally opposed the consumption of it (and even then it seems like most will admit chicken is the least morally objectionable of meats to consume). As far as I can tell there’s no religions specifically forbidding its consumption either. So yeah, chicken is like totally the best. And there’s a billion different ways to prepare it. We’ve talked about at least a hundred and fifty thousand of those ways, but today we’re gonna go back to where it all began and discuss the classic, basic dish of a simple roast chicken.
Let’s talk water. Water is the greatest sustainable resource on planet Earth. It’s everywhere. I’m water, you’re water, everything is water. 98% of our planet is made of water, and every single tree, animal, mushroom, and rock need it to sustain life. Studies show that drinking a cup of water per day can reduce your risk of sexually transmitted diseases by as high as 85%! So yes, water is, as they say, “bitchin”. But there’s only so much we can do with plain old, standing water. Did you know that you can turn water into a gas as well? It’s true. This process of water being converted from liquid to gas is a simple term known as “magic”. It may seem intimidating at first, but you can practice this mysterious water magic at home using common kitchen supplies and sheer willpower. Shall we begin?