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Food 102: How To Drink Whiskey Like An Adult

Food 102 is a satirical column on PCFG. Do not attempt any of the below directions, as they are not meant to be taken seriously. Doing so may result in low-quality food or possible injury. Do not try at home; you’re gonna have a bad time.

Whiskey is without a doubt the manliest of drinks. It is made from the oak-casket-aged tears of miners and cowboys, and is capable of temporarily morphing human females into males for a short time. You typically see it as an ingredient in mixed drinks since most people are too intimidated to have it straight, save for grizzled folk singers and the Irish. However, if you are willing to give it a go, this timeless spirit of a drink can be well worth your time, should you survive its ingestion.

Many foolish college students and pop singers attempt to drink whiskey irresponsibly, thinking that they are immune to its dangerous qualities. Do not believe false claims from false idols like Ke$ha. If you have never clenched a fist in a mixture of sadness, anger, and disappointment in response to a life-altering tragedy, whiskey will poison you and make you revert to a fetal state. Thus, this brings us to the major question: as a grown-ass adult, how do I drink whiskey properly? The answer may surprise you!

As with most drinks, to initiate the drinking process, you’ll need to begin with a glass.

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Food 102: How To Boil Water

Let’s talk water. Water is the greatest sustainable resource on planet Earth. It’s everywhere. I’m water, you’re water, everything is water. 98% of our planet is made of water, and every single tree, animal, mushroom, and rock need it to sustain life. Studies show that drinking a cup of water per day can reduce your risk of sexually transmitted diseases by as high as 85%! So yes, water is, as they say, “bitchin”. But there’s only so much we can do with plain old, standing water. Did you know that you can turn water into a gas as well? It’s true. This process of water being converted from liquid to gas is a simple term known as “magic”. It may seem intimidating at first, but you can practice this mysterious water magic at home using common kitchen supplies and sheer willpower. Shall we begin?

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