Food 102: How To Drink Whiskey Like An Adult
Food 102 is a satirical column on PCFG. Do not attempt any of the below directions, as they are not meant to be taken seriously. Doing so may result in low-quality food or possible injury. Do not try at home; you’re gonna have a bad time.
Whiskey is without a doubt the manliest of drinks. It is made from the oak-casket-aged tears of miners and cowboys, and is capable of temporarily morphing human females into males for a short time. You typically see it as an ingredient in mixed drinks since most people are too intimidated to have it straight, save for grizzled folk singers and the Irish. However, if you are willing to give it a go, this timeless spirit of a drink can be well worth your time, should you survive its ingestion.
Many foolish college students and pop singers attempt to drink whiskey irresponsibly, thinking that they are immune to its dangerous qualities. Do not believe false claims from false idols like Ke$ha. If you have never clenched a fist in a mixture of sadness, anger, and disappointment in response to a life-altering tragedy, whiskey will poison you and make you revert to a fetal state. Thus, this brings us to the major question: as a grown-ass adult, how do I drink whiskey properly? The answer may surprise you!
As with most drinks, to initiate the drinking process, you’ll need to begin with a glass.
While it may seem like an easy choice, bear in mind that only actual glasses should be used when dealing with whiskey. Because it also doubles as space-ship fuel, it is also highly flammable and considerably dangerous. This is the same reason that whiskey is gluten-free, as wheat molecules are obliterated by the sheer badasserone levels present in whiskey. Because of this, never use whimpy cups made of plastic or paper. Trust me, you want your glass to be made of glass. (Or meteorite, if possible.)
Actually, before we go any further, I neglected to mention there’s one step, prior to the first step, which many people should consider beforehand. As mentioned, the safest way to drink whiskey is by being either an Irishman or a rugged folk musician. If you’re already Irish, or plan on transitioning to an Irishman sometime soon, then good news! You can skip ahead to the next step.
If transitioning to becoming Irish is not an option for you, your best bet is to start an indie folk solo-project on your own, prior to drinking a glass of whiskey. My personal suggestion is to take up either accordion or piano, however open-mic crowds seem to really dig guitars, since every open mic set at every cafe in every state in America is comprised of 15 sets of quiet, acoustic guitar playing. You may even be able to accomplish this step right before pouring your whiskey, if you act quickly and use Google effectively. Once you’ve learned to play guitar, written some moody lyrics about a sad time in your life, and composed a song, you can move onto the next step. (If you aren’t able to write moody lyrics, quickly run out and experience sadness in any way you can.)
Now that you are a budding folk-musician, begin by looking at your glass. Examine the glass. Consider what glass is. Ponder how glass is made. Does glass taste good? Is glass truly of this world? When will glass cease to exist? Ask yourself these questions. After you’ve settled on an opinion of your glass, add some ice cubes to it.
Ice cubes are an important addition to whiskey, as it adds a certain chill to the drink which would otherwise set your face on fire and melt your glass. Normal glass glasses can withstand whiskeys of up to 76 proof, however most whiskeys are upwards of 40% alcohol and will make quick work of your glass in a matter of minutes. Fill the glass at least halfway with ice, and let it stand for at least 15 minutes.
Begin adding whiskey to your nicely-iced glass. At this point, you should start to experience intense feelings of wanderlust and longing for a simpler time. If you have an instrument handy, start playing it right after you finish pouring to help stave off any of the impending man-tears. If you do not have an instrument handy, do not panic! You can simply catch any man-tears that should fall from your cheeks in the whiskey glass, which will enhance the macabre nature of the drink.
Now begins the thoughtfulness process. Take a seat, and get comfortable. The next step may take a while.
Take a fine look at your whiskey. Take it all in. Focus your intentions on drinking it, but remain cautious and determined. This step is crucial, as the whiskey can destroy you from the inside-out if you do not mentally prepare your soul for its consumption.
Stare at the whiskey some more. Think of how all the best parts of your childhood are gone and can never be relived.
Continue to stare at the whiskey. Contemplate all your loved ones whom have come to pass. Consider any relatives or friends you know whom may be in their twilight years. Reflect on the sad truth that they will soon be called to the the cold embrace of death.
Think back to the last time you lost a beloved pet. Think of all the heartbreaks you’ve experienced. Think of every time someone has metaphorically put a knife in your gut and twisted it sharply.
Continue to think deeply about all the suffering in your life, and accept it as an inevitability of life. Do this for the next 30-40 minutes, or until you no longer feel feelings.
Once you are numb inside and have mentally exorcised your inner demons, you can now safely consume your whiskey without fear. To do this, hold it in your hand and slowly take one sip at a time over the next hour or so in a dimly lit room.
Make your whiskey last, because quite frankly, shit’s expensive.
Once you have finished, melt your glass down and discard of it using a certified recycling service. Glasses can never be reused for the ritualistic consumption of whiskey. If you follow these guidelines, you can be sure to enjoy a nice drink of this amber bliss every Friday night, beginning at 9pm. Do not become TOO versed in whiskey-drinking however, alcoholism is not cool.