The Cereal Report: Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crunch
Posted by Erik
The Cereal Report is a column in which PCFG conducts various cereal reviews, of new or limited products, as well as providing brief backgrounds on the cereal. Cereal is delicious and fairly cheap as far as meals go. Everyone should eat cereal!
The other day we took a look at Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch, a pretty awesome, worthy cereal. General Mills releases it around Christmastime each year in tandem with another festively-themed breakfast food, Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crunch. Unlike its brethren unfortunately, this one isn’t quite as good.
Not to sound like some BAHH WAR ON CHRISTMAS douchebag, but right off the bat, this cereal came off as kind of derpy since it’s committing one of the more annoying P.C. things that rustles my jimmies, which is whitewashing obvious references to specific holidays. I don’t get annoyed when people wish Happy Holidays, it’s a very nice gesture! But real talk, blokes? Red and green sprinkle cookies are legit Christmas shit. Like, legit. If they’d made the same cereal with blue and white sprinkles it’d be equally stupid to leave out the word Hannukah. (And honestly come on, Hannukah could use some more fun products!) Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch seems to do fine, and I can’t believe there’s anyone out there pedantic enough to pick up a cereal, be like “Oh this looks good! Let’s ge- oh, no it’s a Christmas cereal. We can’t eat it.” But I digress…
As a cereal, Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crunch is just not very good. Admittedly I’m not an overwhelming fan of normal Cookie Crunch. I’ve spoken about the fun novelty of miniature foods before so I’d really like to like it. But it never really tasted very good. It has this faint, muddled chocolate-esque flavor, and that was it. I thought maybe this cereal would fix that since it’s got the whole “sugar cookie” thing going for it, I assume. And considering how great Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch is, it would seem a shoe-in, but alas it’s not.
Like its normal variation, Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crunch has a problem with the not-so-lofty goal of having a frigging flavor. Fundamentally, it tastes of nothing when you’re eating it. There’s this sort of hint of a vanilla-like flavor, but it mostly just tastes like sweetness and milk. The sprinkles are nice touch in theory, but honestly when you get them all together in your bowl, it just sorta looks like your cereal is diseased.
What’s more is that when you finish the cereal, it has this bizarre aftertaste that pretty much tastes like an armpit. Sort of sour and onion-y and lingering… Yeah that’s what armpits taste like. No, don’t ask me how I know that for a fact, just understand this basic principle: cookies should not taste like someone’s underarm (unless they’re new Limited Edition Body Odor Oreos).
I’m really at a loss over this one. I’ve eaten it three times and it happens every single time. What’s more is I’ve experienced this phenomenon eating regular Cookie Crisp once or twice before. I don’t know if it’s one of the artificial flavors they use or what, but it’s uncanny. And it’s nothing against armpits, guys. Armpits are great and all, but not when you’re eating a sweet, sugary breakfast cereal. HSCC is deeply unpleasant, especially since that aftertaste lasts for quite a while.
Oh but it stays crunchy in milk for a while, and contains no artificial dyes. Hooray? Screw this.
Should you eat Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crunch?
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