Midnight Snack is a recurring column focusing on “food for couples” so to speak. Its discussion may hint towards the use of foods during romance and intimacy, and though it contains nothing sexually explicit, reader discretion is still advised. And by all means, DO try this at home, folks.

Let’s face it, I’m terrible with introductions. We all are. It’s the hardest part of any essay and the number one factor getting in the way of single people getting laid. So let me be blunt. This is Midnight Snack. It’s a column about using food in your love life. The best of both worlds. Just the right amount of wrong. And it doesn’t necessarily need to be a matter of flailing relationships, in the same vein as “Oh honey our routine is getting stale… I think you need to tie me to the bed and electrocute my nipples with a cattle prod.” Food utilized during sexytime can be a once in a while treat, not some sort of kinky changeup to reinvigorate what simply isn’t there. Many foods act as aphrodisiacs, bringing forth various types of mental states and chemical reactions in the body, which naturally causes you and your significant other to be in an amorous mood. Additionally, food is delicious and romance is bitchin’, so why the hell not combine the two?

Right then. Let’s talk peanut butter. It’s salty, creamy, and oh-so smooth (unless you’re eating crunchy peanut butter). The description alone automatically conjures up so many sexual innuendos, that I almost feel like I don’t even need to write anything more in this article. I can’t exactly start off with that paragraph, then say “We recommend spicing up your love life with peanut butter!” and call it a day. All you romantic foodies out there deserve better than that. So let’s dive right into it.

If only…

Peanut butter is a great condiment/foodstuff in that it goes pretty well on almost anything. Salty is a versatile taste, able to lend its place in both desserts and even more savory dishes as well. On top of this, it enjoys a favorable reputation as a comfort food to many, due to its presence in many snacktime favorites, enjoyed by stupid children the world over. Admittedly, that may make for some profound awkwardness if you want to try and think about it, since you’ll effectively be spreading a piece of your childhood all over your lover’s body. But then again if you’re intentionally trying that hard to mentally process a mixture of childhood memories and sexual tension, you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

You also probably belong on some sort of list.

So it’s pretty well-established that peanut butter tastes delicious and that everybody likes it. Including people who are allergic to it, because they’d never know they were allergic if they didn’t eat it a few times, right? Right? So obviously there’s not much question from the get-go of using it in your romantic escapades. Hell, it’s a salty snack. Salty is pretty much the only flavor you can expect from kissing/licking another human being, less they be homeless or a smoker (no matter which, they’re equally bad). It’s already well within the realm of intimacy, so it’s nothing surprising.

Logistically speaking, peanut butter’s biggest trait working against it is its trademark viscosity. We all know it gets stuck to the roof of your mouth, yes. But that becomes more of a problem when you’re in the midst of trying to kiss one another or feed it to your significant other. Suddenly this humorous nuance becomes an olympic athlete level tongue exercise. It’s a little too thick for your everyday standard makeout session. Additionally, this doesn’t serve it well in the bedroom much either. Truth be told, the best way to describe peanut butter for this would be “exhausting”. This is a shame, since as already established, it’s delicious. If you have the stamina however, or you’re able to use it in liberal doses, it’s definitely an interesting foray into food kinkiness.

Also it’s a good source of protein!

Recommended for romance?

No. It’s far too sticky and viscous.

Recommended for sexytime?

Yes, but in small doses.

Protips

• Melting the peanut butter beforehand is an option. To do so, place it in a bowl, microwave on 10-second intervals, stirring in between, until it’s liquidy.
• Keep water handy. It is salty afterall, and it will make you incredibly thirsty.